I started Lent before Lent

Something needed to change. We couldn't keep going the way we were, and yet we felt powerless to force a change because it wasn't us that was causing the problems.

The change came suddenly. Unexpectedly. And not because we did anything. He made the wrong choice at the wrong time, and change had to happen. We moved quickly, offered the opportunity for the path for a new start, and drove away.

In my heart, I knew that he would miss his old lifestyle. Not just miss it, he would crave it. He would have desires so deep that it might tempt him to walk away from the positive outcomes that lay ahead. Change is never easy.

So I've decided to make a change as well. I wanted to feel what it was like to want something that, in moderation, isn't such a bad thing but, to be honest, it's really never a good thing. It just is. Plus I'm not all that good with moderation. I'm one of those folks who really enjoys what I enjoy.

But that night I told God I would give Him this thing in my life. I'm choosing to abstain. And when I'm tempted -- and boy, have I been tempted -- I pray. I pray for strength to be satisfied with an alternative or with nothing. I pray for my son who must be struggling with his own version of abstinence. I pray that God would fill my empty places that reach for comfort in things besides Him. I pray.

Sure, I miss it. At times, I crave it. But, Lord, help me to learn what it means to fill those cravings with You . . . Your word . . . Your truth.

When is it hardest? I don't know. Today at the wedding reception when it's socially acceptable. But other times it's when I'm home alone. It was tough during king cake season. And now during Girl Scout cookie season. But there's always a season, always an excuse. And the question I'm faced with most fiercely is what matters more? instant gratification vs. delayed, or better yet, a more fulfilling satisfaction?

So, it's Lent. This process started a couple of weeks before Lent, and may go a ways after. But for now, I 'fast.' I understand the desire for something that has no lasting benefit for my soul or body; I want to know the desire for that which changes me for the better, for eternity.

I'll keep you posted.